Hello, Goodbye

The interns! Back Row: Tate, David, Kevin, Jeff. Front Row: Heidi, Sean, Jodie, Alan, me, Patsy. 

I'm writing this final post while sitting on the windowsill of my new apartment at Dordt, listening to Ben Howard's "Old Pine," one of the many songs from my summer in KC (I'd highly recommend it!). I arrived in northwest Iowa on Tuesday afternoon and have jumped right into my internship with Sioux Center Christian School. Before that, I had a week at home to unpack, re-pack, reconnect with family and friends, and welcome a new sister -- Francisca, a beautiful seventeen-year-old from Portugal who will spend the year with my family.

The last week and a half of the internship went quickly. During our four-day trip to the Ozarks, all ten interns and three of the staff stayed together in one condo. Thankfully, the woman on the floor below us only had to tell us once to keep the noise down! That week we cemented many of the relationships that we had been building all summer. Living in close quarters for four days also reminded me of the importance of alone time  -- no matter how much I love those I'm with!

The last four days of our internship were focused on final teachings and preparation for the transition out of this community and into college. I especially appreciate these teachings on transitions now that I am going through one. Jean reminded us that change happens in an instant, but transitions (to be comfortable in the change) can take much, much longer. And during this time of transition -- even if it is an essentially happy one, such as the transition from single to married life -- our emotions, motivations, and routines can be very unstable as we mourn what we are loosing, look forward to what we are gaining, and try to reconcile the too. Though this time is unsettling, we must allow it to happen, as in it we truly embrace both the past and the future without demonizing or idealizing one or the other.

I have been experiencing the unsettling feelings of transition as I try to figure out how to fit together my summer and my school year. It's not going to be easy. But before I left Kansas City, God quietly but deeply reminded me of the truth that Jesus is my very good Shepherd. He is the only one who knows everything about us, and He leads us through different pastures according to His love and knowledge of our hearts. For a season, Jesus lead me to Kansas City and Ascent Ministries. He allowed me to explore the good things He had for me in that place -- deep peace, loving community, an awareness of His presence. Now He has shown me to the gate and asked me to follow Him to the next phase of our journey. Because I trust Him, I follow, knowing that He will lead me always into deeper reliance on His love.

My final prayer request for you all is that God would continue to pour His Spirit onto the staff and work of Ascent Ministries and HopeFaith Ministries as they seek to spread His kingdom in Kansas City. And also that the Spirit would give me the ability to allow Jesus to Shepherd me in the way that He chooses, throughout this school year and into whatever lies after graduation in May.

Your encouragement and prayers are powerful, brothers and sisters! "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

May God bless you as you continue to follow the Shepherd!
In Him,
Alex

Ending Blessings and Lessons

From left to right, some of the people we love from Hope Faith: Bryan (staff pastor), Donna (office assistant), Jim (IT guy and our boss), me, in front Andre (head of security and client services), Dwight (in charge of the warehouse), Sean, Jodie, and Doug (construction)

Yesterday was an important day down here -- a day of endings. We began the morning with a five mile run, the last of our running challenges for the summer. We had to start at 5:30, before even the sun was awake, in order to finish and get to service without being too terribly late. The run started at our house and included a beautiful three mile loop on a bike trail through the woods. Patsy and I ran together and had a great time enjoying the beauty of the morning together. And we were super pumped to say that we did the whole 5 miles without walking!

After running we headed back to shower and get ready for our lasts days at our service sites. It was hard to know how to feel -- sad that we're leaving, or glad for the experience? My internal confusion was evident in my very absent-minded driving that morning. Thankfully, Jodie was in front and kept us from any major accidents.

Our last day at Hope Faith was definitely blessed. We took time to take a bunch of pictures with the people we had become close to and still had plenty of time to help out with a volunteer group and work in the warehouse. The end of the morning was very special for us. Jim, our boss, had us bring our trays into the conference room where some the people we worked with and connected with the most were waiting. Jim, Jesse, Dwight, Doug, Dre, Bryan, Donna, and Desire are SO busy, that just to see them all make time together with us a priority was very humbling. We shared stories for our summer and they shared what they loved about us and would miss. Our hearts were full by the end of our time there, to say the least.

Despite the blessed morning, as the afternoon went on I became more and more internally restless -- I had felt that way off and on the past couple days and didn't really want to sit down and figure out why, so I continued to put it off. That feeling carried into today until I knew I couldn't run from whatever was bothering me anymore. I went on a walk with God and realized that I was angry -- angry that I had to get so close to the other interns and then leave them. I'm the only non-Central student, and it felt really sucky to have to leave. It was good to realize this -- that even though I knew in my head that God has good plans for me and will provide what I need when I go back to Dordt, I still felt those emotions of sadness and anger in my heart. I felt prompted to take Sean up on his offer to walk and talk with me, even though I didn't know that he could really help. He and Jodie both walked with me and just listened as I expressed my frustration and my confusion about what to do about it. Jodie and I ended up sitting together on the sidewalk for awhile while I just cried and cried. Afterward, I was still sad, but I was SO comforted by the presence of a sister who was okay with my mess and my emotion. I felt so invited to just be -- whatever that meant at the time.

As the internship comes to the close, I am blessed. Blessed by the beautiful relationships I have built at Hope Faith and with the other interns, and blessed by the knowledge that these gifts are from God. He knows me, deeply. He knew that I needed to mourn the passing of this short season of my life, and He provided members of His body to invite me into that and to sit with me through it. Brothers and sisters, God is okay with your mess, and sometimes He asks you to share it and let others help you deal with it. Learning this has been one of a few hard and richly rewarding lessons of my summer in KC.

Also, an update on one of the prayer requests I posted last time. Our friend Doug, who was in charge of construction at Hope Faith and had recently been delivered from alcoholism, did have a relapse last week. We saw him drunk last Thursday, and that was a very hard day for Sean, Jodie, and I. We spent most of it crying and lifting Doug up in prayer. I've never before seen darkness like the darkness that gripped Doug that day -- a darkness that could pull a man away from his peace in Christ and drag him to a pit of despair. We tried to give him up to God, knowing that only Christ could be a light in that darkness. The whole situation showed me the power of Christ in a new way, to think that Christ could conquer that demon of alcohol. 


And praise Jesus, we saw Doug again on Monday, sober and working once again! He wasn't quite his normal self, but obviously Jesus had delivered him once again. We got to work with Doug the rest of the week and praise God for his continued journey into recovery. Thank you, brothers and sisters, for lifting him up in prayer with us! It really is true: “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand." Amen!

Tomorrow afternoon we'll leave for an Ascent family vacation at the Lake of the Ozarks. Our planned backpacking trip to Colorado had to be cancelled because of the burn ban there. We return on Wednesday night and will spend the rest of our time talking about transitioning back to our normal family and college life. Prayers for this upcoming time of bonding at the lake and then transitioning out of the internship would be wonderful. Thank you! I've been blessed by your constant support. He is good!

Brothers in Need of Prayer Warriors!

This past week and a half has been a little wonky. First of all, I have had some powerful and challenging encounters with God. Instead of leaving me on a spiritual high like I was expecting, God has brought be to a place of dryness, asking me to rely on the knowledge that He is here, and not on my feelings about it.

A lot of the wonkiness stems from Hope Faith, though. Jodie, Sean, and I have been split up at Hope Faith, Sean working with construction and Jodie and I painting much of the time. Serving separately was different -- less inside jokes at the end of the day =) But also, the stress levels at Hope Faith have been high lately, and I like to ask you to pray for the some of the people we've come to know and love there.

Dave -- We met Dave our first day of service at Hope Faith, and from that first encounter on, Jodie, Sean, and I were constantly encouraged by his joy and love of service. He was in his thirties and had left a life of wealth and alcohol in the corporate world after being dramatically rescued by God. Two weeks ago we stopped seeing Dave around and were eventually told that he was asked to step down from his position as warehouse director because of a conflict involving pride. We don't know details, but please pray that God would heal any broken relationships, help Dave let go of pride, and keep him in His hands.

Justin -- Justin is our age and was working as a construction employee at Hope Faith. He had previously completed the Hope Faith internship, but had fallen back into drugs and was returning for support during his recovery. We got to work with him often and it was fun to have someone else our own age to work with and learn from. We haven't seen Justin in a week or so, and don't know where he's been. Pray that God would defeat his addiction to heroin and surround him with a community of people who will uphold him as God teaches him what it is to walk with Him.

Doug -- Doug was once an engineer and functioning alcoholic before he totally gave in to his addiction. In rehab, he had an encounter with God that turned his life around. He met Dave and together they dedicated a year to service at Hope Faith in gratitude to God for what he did for them. Dave was put in charge of construction at Hope Faith and is always spreading joy and taking care of people. The three of us have gotten close to Dave and love working with him. But yesterday, he came into work, not at all himself. We're not sure what's going on, but he wasn't at work today. Please pray that Doug would humbly accept love and correction from his brothers and sisters and that God would cover him with grace, not condemnation.

It's been hard see these guys leave, especially after getting to know them so well as brothers in Christ, and knowing that they were great examples for others at Hope Faith. But we know that Christ will not lose even one that the Father has given Him! Thank you so much for your prayers, brothers and sisters! I'll let you know if there are any updates with these guys. God is good and battles for His children. Not even the changes of addiction and pride can keep Him from us!

Yahweh Elohim

Hey all! Here is a quick overview of what I've/we've been up to these past few weeks:

June 25-July 1
Monday -- Service and teachings on the names of God and true femininity and masculinity.
Tuesday -- Service, prayer in the IHOP prayer room, inner city prayer and intercession
Wednesday -- Service, Manuscript study, Jodie, Sean, and I returned to Hope Faith to meet a high school volunteer group and share our testimonies (my first time doing this, and it was awesome!)
Thursday -- 6:00am 3 mile challenge run, service, prayer in a coffee shop, hang out at the boys inner city house
Friday -- Played a worship set at Hope Faith (exciting and humbling!), left for weekend at home
Saturday -- Morning run my beautiful bride-to-be friend Dahoni Dowell, afternoon wedding of Alyssa Shilling (Logemann), evening hang-out with HS friends
Sunday -- Church at home --WHCC!! Lunch with family, and on the rode again back to KC

July 2-July 6
Monday -- Service, teaching on names of God and communication (verbal and nonverbal)
Tuesday -- Service, prayer in IHOP prayer room,
Wednesday -- Day off! Book discussion of Collapse of the Brass Heavens, Inner city cook-out, WWI museum (very powerful), another cookout and fireworks at Corporate Woods park
Thursday -- Service (talked a prayed with a client for 2 hours), prayer room at the Barnes and Nobles at the Plaza downtown, girls night out with Ryan (our director) at the Orange Leaf frozen yogurt
Friday -- Service, drive to Pella, Spiderman movie! sand volleyball

Now here's a little what I've been learning/experiencing:

Lord and God -- those are the two primary names used for our Creator and Sustainer in your average English translation of the Bible. Turns out, the Hebrews were a lot more descriptive when they spoke about Him. A large part of our teachings with Ryan this summer are spent studying the names of God found in the Hebrew Scriptures and what those names tell us about how God interacts with His people.

Last week, we looked at the name Ruach, which literally translated means wind or breath and is the Hebrew word for the Spirit of God. 

This week, we looked at the name Yahweh Elohim. These are actually two names, but are often used together. Yahweh is often translated as I AM, but carries the connotation of I AM from the Foundation of the World. Elohim means Mighty One and is the name that really stuck with me throughout the week. The ancient Hebrew word for Elohim is made up of two symbols, the oxhead and the shepherd's staff or yoke. The ox was the strongest animal in the Hebrew experience, and the shepherd staff or yoke symbolized leading.
One of the applications that Ryan shared was the picture of two oxen yoked together. In order to train a young ox, it's owner would yoke it with a strong, old ox who knew the path. The older ox would keep the younger pulling in the right direction. This is a picture of our walk with Christ. When we say yes to His yoke, he walks with us at just the right pace and teaches us to walk with Him. Sometimes we try to pull away to the right or left, but he pulls us along with Him. All the time, He is there, pulling with us and patiently teaching us to walk as He does. He is MIGHTY, but He is gentle as well.
This picture stuck with me throughout the week. Right now, I think I am walking with Elohim through a time of learning to be vulnerable and honest. I'm very good at being OK, even if I'm actually unsettled or upset. God is prompting me to own these feelings and share them with Him and my brothers and sisters. I'm seeing how humbly excepting the listening ear and open heart of others is a way of receiving His love and care. Sometimes I sit down and He has to drag me along, but He is faithful and strong to bring me more into step with Him!
Dear brothers and sisters, thank you for your prayers! I would appreciate prayers for an outpouring of God's love on us for those we are serving. We've been at our sites for six weeks now, and it's still great, but much of the excitement has worn off. Pray that we would be refilled by Him =) As always, please let me know how I can be in prayer for you. I have been so uplifted by your encouragement and want to hold you up as well!

Hope Faith -- Work and Learning

Another week of the internship has passed, and once again it's been quite the time of learning from God and practicing his presence. Here's some of the things Sean, Jodie, and I accomplished at Hope Faith this past week:

Monday: Put up baseboards in the hallway by the shower

Tuesday: Continued to work on the basement -- our pet project. Organized paint supplies and cleaned up trash. 

Wednesday: Explored the attic and roof as we cleaned and replaced air conditioner vents

Thursday: Went through the electronics room and threw out ancient keyboards and printers. Supported Sean as he gave his testimony at Hope Faith's worship service, Word on the Street. 

Friday: Ate breakfast with clients and then hung out talking and playing cards with whoever stopped by. 

It's been a great week! While working at Hope Faith, we've had lots of opportunities to work with some new people. On Tuesday Will and Osyrus helped us in the basement -- they're two high school kids doing community service. Then on Wednesday and Friday we got to hang out a bit with Justin, who is only a year or two older than us. He has done the Hope Faith internship before and fell back into old habits afterward. Now he's back and is getting back on a good path again.

I've continued to get glimpses of the inner city poor culture as the weeks go on. This past Friday, Jodie and I experienced some of the objectification that is commonplace for women here. An older man named Joe sat next to us for some of the morning and was talking with us. Most of what he said was harmless -- he told us about his model airplane collection and his three marriages and reading to his kids when they were young. But scattered throughout the conversation were some subtle and many not-so-subtle markers of just what Joe thought of women. He complimented my long hair and told Jodie and I he was trying to decide who to propose to. He talked a lot about sex, not in a explicit way, but in a way that showed how closely he associated women with making love. The kicker came at the end of the day as we got up to leave. Joe said, "Now remember ladies, the best thing about you is your figures. I mean it now! Watch your figures. We have to many Big Bertha's running around."

Jodie and I prayed with Sean when we got back to Ryan's -- praying off those lies that Joe said and praying that God would heal the anger and bitterness in him. We realized how fortunate we were to have men in our lives who validated us in all our talents and abilities and who would fight for us if we were ever threatened. So many women in the inner city culture have been used and abused by the very men whose role it is to protect and respect them. Just the small taste I had on Friday was enough to help me imagine the insecurity, mistrust, and defensiveness that that kind of treatment would create in the life a woman. It's sucky.

Prayer Request: Praise for men who treat women with respect and honor them before God. Prayers that God would bring healing to the women at Hope Faith and throughout inner city culture who have been shut down and objectified. That they would come alive through the love of Christ and that Jodie, Sean, and I would be sensitive to their hurts and needs as we minister to them.

Thank you all! God bless!

Father's Day Gifts

Wrote this in creativity group today. It was supposed to be a gift from me to God, but it kinda ended up the other way around =) He gives good gifts indeed!

Pearl of Great Price

You are my Papa, I am your girl

You've polished me up

And made me your pearl. 

Lost in the depths of the ocean so vast

Caught in the seaweed

Of the sins of my past. 

Cold and alone, my breath running out

You saw me. "My daughter!"

You let out a shout. 

Leaving behind your place on the sand

You tore off your God clothes 

And plunged in -- a man. 

You swam the way down -- league after league.

Scraped by the coral,

Your hands start to bleed. 

I see you far off -- I hope and I wonder: 

Why come to save me? 

Doubt pulls me under. 

But still you swim on, and soon you are here. 

Breaking me free

From the chains of my fear. 

Then upward we soar! Up towards the light!

My fear is replaced

By joy and delight!

Here is the air! Here is the sun!

Here I'm alive!

Thanks to the One. 

Now on the beach, I fall at your feet. 

Amazed that for me

The whole ocean you've beat. 

Yet you lift me up and whisper real low

All the beautiful things

You want me to know. 

That you are my Papa, I am your pearl,

And nothing could keep you

From your little girl. 

Shh... Just Listen

Another week has gone by, with me not posting more often -- sorry! Sometimes it's hard to believe that ya'll really want to know that much about my life! But you keep telling me that you do, so I will honor you by posting again by Wednesday. There, now it has to happen  =)

This week has really flown by! Last week at this time, we were just getting back from Pella, Iowa, where we spend every other weekend. Ascent holds a prayer meeting/bible study at an old Catholic church there every  weekend, and we go up for the prayer meetings. These meetings are unique. We begin with worship and then move on to Gospel Contemplation, where Ryan or Jean (the directors) will read a passage from the Gospel aloud and invite the rest of us to meditate on it. After that time of centering, we have a break and then reconvene in a couple of smaller groups for the main part of the meeting -- listening prayer.

Usually we think of prayer as us talking to God, but in listening prayer, we reverse the roles and ask God to quiet our hearts so we hear Him talk to us. In each of the groups, everyone takes a turn sitting in the middle while everyone else prays for him or her, just listening and asking God to give us a thought for the person in the middle. The thought could be a verse of scripture, a song, a picture, a word, or just an impression. Then we share those thoughts with the person we're praying for and allow them to sit with God and decide what was from Him and what we kinda made up. The purpose of this kind of prayer is to encourage each other and also to learn what God's voice sounds like and how to listen for it. It's definitely a process of grace, but it is a great blessing!

 If you are skeptical or weirded out by the idea of listening prayer, I don't blame you! When I first heard of it several years ago, I didn't know what to think. It was different than anything I'd ever experienced and I had all sorts of questions: does God really talk to us that clearly? why would He? how do you know if the thought you have is from Him or from your own mind? The only reason I went to my first Ascent prayer meeting, called Encounter I AM, was because I trusted my friend Sara from high school, who had experienced a lot of blessing from listening prayer. But even though I decided God was probably big enough to speak to people through other people's thoughts if He wanted to, I was sure that He wouldn't want to do that for me.

Long story short, I was blown away by the power and love of God that I experienced the first time I participated in listening prayer the summer after my freshman year of college! I was the last person in our group to be prayed over, and I wasn't expecting to hear anything that was really personal. Maybe some generic stuff about God loving me, but nothing that was really specific to my life. Well, I was wrong. God gave those praying for me pictures that described the place I was at with indecision and disappointment with my major and reminded me that Jesus knew what He was doing and wanted me to trust Him and just BE with Him. They also shared with me a scripture that I had just been given by a friend and that had really been encouraging me lately. After this experience, I had to reevaluate my tiny idea of who God was and how He wanted to interact with me. It was seriously life-changing to realize the power and intimate love of our God all at the same time!

It took me several more prayer meetings for me to get over my fear actually sharing the things that God had put on my heart for others in our group, but eventually, sharing became as much of a blessing as receiving -- especially as people responded in ways that confirmed that God was speaking to them in the word or picture I'd shared.

Now, I just want to clarify that you don't just say whatever pops into your mind when you're praying over someone. If what you hear is contrary to the Bible or the character of God as revealed in the Bible, than it is obviously not from God and shouldn't be shared. You also never share something that you hear about a major life decision, like marriage or jobs or things like that. Even if those thoughts are from God, the person needs to hear those directly from God, not from you first. That being said, listening prayer is a practice of grace. You usually don't know if the picture or song or word in your head will mean anything to the person you're praying for, but you can share it anyway, just in case, and let them sit with God and decide. It's sometimes really fun to see how God will use what seems like silliness to one person to speak to someone else!

Anyway, I wanted to share with you all about listening prayer because the idea behind it -- that God uses our imaginations to communicate to and through us -- is something we'll be exploring a lot this summer. It's crazy all the ways that God will speak to us if we're open to listen! All the while that we are serving or learning or running this summer, we are practicing being aware of God's presence: how He's speaking to us, teaching us, or leading us to speak to others. We're not very good at it, but that's okay. God's patient =) And Christ invites us to this in John 15:4 when He says, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." 


So that's not at all what I was planning on sharing with you today, but that's what came out, and I'm glad! If you are freaked out by the idea of listening prayer, or just have questions about it, please don't hesitate to email me at lxpskr@dordt.edu. I won't be offended by your skepticism or curiosity.

Expect another post very soon -- one more about what's happening right now, and hopefully some pictures too =)

In honor of Father's Day and the reminder it gives of the importance of families, please remember the clients at HopeFaith who have very painful, broken family histories. Pray that God would heal those wounds with gifts of grace and forgiveness and satisfy them with His love.

Thanks brothers and sisters!

Psalm 68